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Resolving Day-to-Day Conflicts with Your Partner

by Meghan McChesney Gilroy

Q: How do you resolve the conflicts that arise in the day-to-day living with a romantic partner?

The technique of stepping back and looking at the "big picture" has served my husband Jamie and I well in our day-to-day relationship. In any relationship, there are three dynamics involved – in this case, there’s the wants, needs, desires and ultimate happiness of “Meghan,” there’s the wants, needs, desires and ultimate happiness of “Jamie,” and there’s the ultimate happiness of the couple of Jamie and Meghan. How can all three be happy in situations where the wants, needs, and desires of each differ?

Here’s how we approach our relationship. I am committed first to my own happiness. I am also committed to the happiness of Jamie and I as a couple. For Jamie, the same is true. His happiness comes first and then his next priority is our happiness as a couple. So let’s make up a common example with couples of what happens at the end of the day. Jamie wants to watch a show on TV and I want to talk about my day. The time that his show runs is at the same time I arrive home and want to talk. What’s the solution?

When there are two differing points of views between us, we each ask ourselves, “What action will bring me happiness?” If Jamie decides he truly wants time to zone out in front of the TV, then I respect this desire. It brings me happiness knowing that Jamie is doing exactly what he wants and vice versa. We then see if whatever is getting in between us (TV/talking) is more important to us than the health of our relationship. For us, we've found that there are very few things that are worth a disturbance in the quality of the relationship. So we look for compromises. We could alternate days of TV watching and talking. We could tape Entourage. I could go talk to myself in the mirror, to the dog, a friend. There are a many different variations that could meet everyone's needs and bring happiness.

By taking a moment to look at what is really important to us – both individually and as a couple, and by respecting what each of us need, we find that we can navigate almost any situation, not just the small ones. When happiness if the priority within each of us and within our relationship as a couple, we find we can detach from wanting or needing a particular outcome or having it done “my way.” This “big picture” point of view has brought us great happiness and joy and a lot less conflict.

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