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Mindful Parenting: 2nd Generation Pre-school Drop-out

By Meghan McChesney Gilroy

Monday, November 9th, 2009

I am proud the proud parent of a 2^nd generation pre-school drop-out. This Fall, we enrolled Bodhi in a local Montessori School. We dutifully prepared: attending new parent night, ironing nametags in clothes, talking to Bodhi about his new school and new routines.

I fully expected Bodhi to take to pre-school like a duck to water. On our observation visit, Bodhi ran down the hall into a classroom and immediately begun playing with the toys. He happily joined in at snacktime (apparently children don’t usually eat if they are uncomfortable). Within minutes, the director commented, “Oh yeah, he’s ready.”

The school resonated with us on many levels – the conscious Montessori philosophy that reflected our own, the kind and caring teachers, the many stimulating activities that Bodhi dove right into. We felt comfortable knowing that one of his friends was in the same class. Given Bodhi’s inquisitiveness and high energy, we thought Montessori might be a better fit than other schools that we considered. We wanted to try the Montessori way out in the toddler program, since we didn’t think we’d want to send him to a 5-day a week preschool next year (which was the only option at this school).

As you may have gleaned from these blogs, Bodhi is typically precocious, outgoing, and confident. He hardly glances up when I leave him with his nanny, grandmother, or babysitter. He’s used to being dropped off at relatives’ houses. He spends several mornings a week with his nanny out and about in the world. I figured pre-school would be an organic next step. Boy, was I wrong.

The school had a gentle transition policy – parents can stay for as many days as it takes to acclimate the child. I liked this gentle approach. So I was quite surprised when he burst into tears when I said I was leaving after a successful first few days. I chalked it up to a normal transition, recalling a few times that he’s cried for a few minutes when I’ve walked out the door. When his teacher reported that he continued to cry for almost an hour, I was really baffled. While he expresses emotion readily, it usually passes like a thunderstorm.

Each time we went to school or talked about school, Bodhi would ask if I would be leaving him there. He often started crying – which was the first time I observed him crying about an event that was about to happen in the future (as opposed to crying because of being hurt or angry in the moment). He was swatting at me, which he had never done before and generally seemed out of sorts. His nanny told me he seemed more aggressive with other children on the playground and when asked about school, he wouldn’t answer when he normally chats about any activity he loves non-stop. What really caught my attention, was that he no longer wanted me to leave him with his nanny, grandmother, or babysitter – all of whom he adores.

As I sat with all I was observing in Bodhi, I was struck that he not only wasn’t being his “normal” self when I tried to drop him off (which I somewhat expected) but he also wasn’t being his “normal” self in all the other aspects of our life either. My mind lobbed reasons why it made sense to keep him in school. Yet my heart kept whispering its doubts. The more I listened to what I was sensing and feeling, the more I had to align with my intuition. 

Given all the changes in Bodhi, I realized that he wasn’t ready for a drop-off school. He was communicating this in the best way he knew how – through his emotion and his change in behavior – not to mention he verbalized not wanting to go the best he could. I questioned whether I should “push” him through the transition, knowing that if we stuck at it, he would eventually adjust. Then I caught myself. We didn’t need to have Bodhi in school, we had other childcare options. He’d be in school for the rest of his life. Why push, when we’ve been so conscious about being gentle and nurturing from his first day of life?

When I took another step back, I witnessed all the recent changes in his life that coincided with him going to school. Being in school 2 days a week meant that he was away from me one less morning and away from him nanny one less morning. It also meant that he no longer could play with his best buddy since they were on an opposite day of the week school schedule. His “Manny” and “Mammy” (Rita & Ed), who were like an additional set of grandparents, just moved to California. And he was now hanging out with a large group of children for multiple hours in a row, when he’s normally not in a large group or class for more than 30 minutes to an hour. Added up, that’s a whole lot of change for a 2 ½ year old.  

As I communicated my concerns to the school, they were generally very supportive of making it easier for Bodhi. Yet I also sensed an underlying attitude that I was the one who wasn’t ready to let him go through this discomfort. When they suggested sending him to school 3-days a week instead of just 2, every cell in my body said “no.” While I understood that a 3-day a week plan would be more consistent (and would have made sense if I was truly committed to having Bodhi go to school), I knew in my heart that this wasn’t the solution for Bodhi. Without being able to fully articulate why, it simply didn’t feel right to keep sending him to school. So I withdrew him from pre-school.

We went to school one more time to say goodbye to his teachers and to his guinea pig friend. I thanked the teachers and director profusely – they really had done their best to make Bodhi’s school experience as comfortable and enriching as possible. As we waved goodbye and I told Bodhi that I wouldn’t be leaving him by himself at school any more, I could feel him relax. Within days, all the changes in him subsided. It was like he was a different child, only the difference was he was our sweet, old gregarious Bodhi. We signed up for a Mommy & Me “school” which he loves and talks about eagerly all week.

Looking back, I can see all my logical reasons for enrolling Bodhi in school. I am proud that Bo “dropped out.” In fact, what I’m most proud of is Jamie and my willingness to listen to Bodhi’s emotion and behavior, as well as our own intuition, over what our minds – or anyone else had to say about Bodhi being in school.

When I called my mom to tell her that Bodhi dropped out of school, she laughed. “Well, your grandmother would be happy,” she said. “Why?” I asked intrigued. “I enrolled you in pre-school when you were 3 and you hated it, so I pulled you out. Your grandmother thought it was ridiculous to enroll a 3 year old in school so she was quite pleased when you ‘decided’ that you didn’t want to go.” Not it was my turn to laugh. Who knew that Bodhi was merely following his mother’s footsteps? 2^nd generation pre-school drop-out indeed!

Questions for contemplation:

1. When you are making decisions for your child, do you often go with your gut or heart?
2. If you notice a change in your child’s behavior, emotion, or attitude, do you tune in to him/her, and “listen” to what they are saying?
3. Are you willing to go with your gut/heart/intuition over what your head may say? Over what the outside world has to say? 
4. Do you support your child when they go with what they are feeling instead of what makes logical sense?

If you answered “no” to any of these questions, check in with ways that you might be more open and willing to consider the wisdom and intelligence that comes from an internal knowing – balanced with what comes from common sense or logic. Your body – and your child – may one day thank you!

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