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Mindful Parenting: A Deeper Understanding of Discipline

By Meghan McChesney Gilroy

Friday, October 16th, 2009

When you hear the word “discipline” what comes to mind? We might cringe a little and admit, “I’m not good at discipline. I’m not consistent.” Or “I can be overly-strong.”

Most of us think of discipline as either punishment or consequences. Until recently, I have to admit I tended to fall into the “there are consequences to your actions” category. This approach is useful, and often even necessary, but it misses an opportunity for teaching our children at a deeper level. Let me illustrate.

Yesterday Bodhi asked me to carry his wooden rocking boat (think rocking horse, but boat – we live in a historic fishing/lobstering/boating town) downstairs for him. He was carrying a blue pen, which he has recently become enamored with. We’ve been having lots of discussions about pens going on paper, not _____________ (fill in the blank – walls, tables, chairs, people, clothes, etc.) 

As I’m about to go down the stairs, he uncaps the pen and scribbles on the bottom of the boat. I calmly say, “Bodhi, pens are used on paper, not boats” but internally I’m a little annoyed that I’ve have to tell him the rules – again. I put down the boat to take away the pen so he can “take a break” (the usual consequence of writing on a forbidden surface). He runs away, knowing that the pen is about to be taken. I follow him into a closet and crouch down to his eye level. I see him in a defensive posture, ready to defend his pen. Then I have one of those “a-ha” moments.

If I force the pen out of his hand, I am modeling that it’s okay to use force to get what I want. Do I really want to communicate through my actions that bigger makes right? Or that exerting fear/force is a way to solve problems? I suddenly wonder, “From his point of view, what motivated him to write on the boat? Why didn’t he understand that it’s not okay to write on the boat?” So I ask him.

He breathlessly tells me that he wanted to make water for the boat to go in. He launches into a story about using a crane to take the boat out of the water (as he has been witnessing in our local harbor.) Now I can see his logic. I have understanding.

I see that his 2-year-old in-the-moment, impulse driven mind wasn’t capable of thinking through “this is a boat, not paper, so I’d better not write on it.” So I suggest to Bodhi that we go find some paper for him to draw blue water on, then we can put the boat in it. He nods and smiles. I ask him what we draw on. His reply, “Paper.” And I question him as to whether it is okay to draw on boats. He solemnly replies, “No.”

I am still wavering about taking the pen away, when I realize that I’ve accomplished what I want – Bodhi understanding where we use a pen. I’ve also supported his creativity – we’re now making water for the boat without drawing on the boat itself.

In this approach of using “discipline,” I strive for the true meaning of the word. “Discipline” comes from the Latin, meaning “instruction” or “knowledge.” Instead of viewing Bodhi as being or acting intentionally bad, I looked for ways I could guide him toward learning. I expanded my point of view to be able to see his, and then worked to find a solution that helped him gain deeper understanding into his actions. In doing so, I model for him how to internalize the lesson and to think for himself.

Instead of taking the pen, I took his hand. I could feel his whole being relax. He had “learned his lesson” and also had been able to express himself both verbally and creatively. I felt my heart expand and connect with his, grateful for this new point of view.

Here are a few suggestions for using “discipline” as a way to teach:

1. Take a step back.* When our children do something “wrong,” our first response is often to feel angry, annoyed, or out-of-control. Breathe. Wait to communicate with them when you are both in a calm space. An emotional child (or person for that matter) is usually not able to hear or learn until the energy has cleared.

*Obviously we use our common sense, to “step in” if there is a dangerous or unsafe situation at hand.

An example: Bodhi and another boy got into a pushing match in a Mommy-and-Me class this week. When I took him outside the room, he was too mad about having to leave to talk with him and I was a little frazzled from pulling the boys apart. Yet during the car drive home, I was able to “discipline” him through talking about what had happened so that he understood the situation, his actions, and possible alternatives for the future.

2. Remember your larger intent & purpose. What are you trying to teach your child? What’s the big picture? What energy are you using to communicate your lesson with? Do your actions align with your lesson?

On the surface of the above boat example, I was teaching Bodhi about how to use a pen in a way that doesn’t deface his belongings. Yet when looking at the bigger picture, what I really want to teach Bodhi is how to think through what he is doing and to direct his creativity in appropriate ways. Not to mention that love and understanding trump force or fear.

3. Discover how your child is thinking. Often we view our child as intentionally misbehaving. Yet what if we instead viewed our child as having innate wisdom and common sense? When they “misbehave,” they usually have  not fully internalized or understood what we value. Or their own thinking may be preventing them from connecting to their own wisdom. When we start by “seeing” the world through their eyes and discover why they acted as they did, we can build a bridge to help and guide them to deeper understanding of their true selves and their actions. So ask questions with an open mind and heart. Then listen.

 4. Upon reaching understanding, there is no need for further discipline. When your child understands what happened and how they might make a different choice in the future, your work is done. There is no need to create another consequence or punishment (such as removing the pen from Bodhi’s hand).

Our main job as parents is to guide and teach our children. How do you want to go about doing so? Feel free to wiegh in.

This blog was inspired by Parenting from the Heart by Jack Pransky. I can’t recommend this book more highly.

Posted in Mindful Parenting |