Mindful Parenting: How to Deal with a Toddler’s Temper Tantrum
By Meghan McChesney Gilroy
- Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
Today I passed through another gateway of motherhood: I survived a full-blown toddler tempter tantrum.
For those of you familiar with children, you know that a toddler in the midst of a full scale tantrum can be quite bewildering. The mere mention of it often sends shudders down parents’ spines. Innocent bystanders at the grocery store are likely to cringe at the thought too. Lots of emotion flies around – both within our little one and ourselves. We can easily feel clueless about how to best help our child while maintaining our own sanity. Just what are we supposed to do when confronted with an enraged two-year old?
Our meltdown this afternoon started with an overly tired toddler, who was also sporting a dirty diaper with diaper rash. When informed that he not only needed a diaper change but also couldn’t drink the water that he had been using to clean off his chalkboard, he went over the edge into a tantrum. Yep, complete with shrieking, flailing, crying, and wandering around in a daze sobbing.
My first instinct, which was quickly rebuffed, was to pick Bodhi up and hold him. My heart ached and I wanted to comfort him. And right below that, what really I craved was to be in control of the situation and make the tantrum stop – for both our sakes. After louder wails and some vehement kicks, I realized that his emotional energy needed an outlet. It was flowing through him at full velocity, and I was powerless to stop it.
But before I could truly help Bo, I had to pay attention to what I was feeling myself: some helplessness, some sadness that he was so upset, and yes, frustration. I felt my own emotion surge within me as his sobs grew louder. I took several deep breaths as I watched my well-planned afternoon unravel. I was counting on naptime to take care of emails, calls, writing, the works. It was so tempting to become mad!
Instead (with all the will I could muster), I chose to take a deep breath and detach from my “to do” list. The biggest gift I could give Bodhi in this moment was to take care of him and help him navigate his tantrum. And putting pressure on myself to both mother mindfully and get my work done was not helping me be present in this moment.
As I turned my full attention to Bodhi, I realized that trying to contain or control this energy would only prolong the tantrum. Like the thunderstorms that have been rolling through our town, the downpour needed to move through his body. The best I could do in this initial stage was to make sure that he was safe – not harming himself, myself, or lastly any objects.
I watched, a bit at a loss, as Bodhi fumbled about screaming at the top of his lungs. He would momentarily distract himself by playing with the door knob or slamming down the toilet seat, only to frustrate himself more. I felt like a spectator at a car wreck: unsure of what to do but wanting to help. I noticed that this helpless feeling started triggering my doubt: Was I the cause of this tantrum? Did I contribute or do something wrong? Then, like a flash of lightning, I clearly felt: I am not the cause of Bodhi’s tantrum. This is his tantrum and he has to work through it himself. Don’t take this personally.
But wait! Not so fast! my mind protested. The windows are open. Our neighbors are going to think that I’m killing this kid… And you teach mindful parenting classes. Ha! Your kid is having a major meltdown and you don’t know what to do! I took a deep breath. Luckily, I saw these thoughts for what they are: judgments from deep within that are not necessarily true in the light of day. I gently smiled at my mind and thanked my thoughts for appearing, then let them pass.
As I sat watching Bodhi emote, my mind raced over the past few hours and days. Like a movie camera in reverse, I watched his refusal to take a nap this afternoon, the disruption in his routine with an older child in the house at naptime, the rainy weather that’s kept him pent up inside, the holiday weekend filled with parties, late bedtimes, and lots of activity. Of course none of these “rational” explanations were relevant in this moment. Explaining any or all of these to him would have been meaningless in the middle of his emotional outburst. (How rational are we as adults when we’re in the middle of a big emotion? Usually not very.) While knowing all of these factors may be helpful for future prevention, what was most called for now was my calm presence.
I felt a release within myself as I let myself off the hook mentally and emotionally. I then was able to ask myself, “How can I best serve Bodhi right now?” Instantly, I knew to drop to the ground, to come down to his level. I sat a few feet away from him, letting him see me near – alert and as calm as possible. I began breathing deeply to center myself some more. I grounded myself energetically and “held the space” for him to go through what he was feeling.
For a minute or so, I could feel his emotional energy wash over me. It was almost painful to witness what he was going through. I breathed deeply and focused on allowing this feeling to also pass through me. I know from experience with my clients, that if I model moving emotional energy through my body, their body responds and it helps them release more easily. I trusted that this would be the same with Bodhi. In fact, I believe that this unspoken, physical connection between physical bodies is even stronger between a parent and child since Bodhi and I come from the same DNA and have already established a deep emotional bond.
As I continued to connect to my breath and settled into a calm knowingness inside of me, my heart went out to Bodhi. Compassion surged. We were entering a new territory together. I didn’t have a plan and yet I had enough awareness and faith to know we would work it out. As I shifted to seeing this emotional storm from Bodhi’s point of view, I was able to more fully let go of any of my own concerns and emotion.
As I checked in with Bodhi, he seemed not only mad and out of control, but also lost. As he stumbled around shrieking, I knew it must be scary for him to be experiencing so much emotional energy surging through his body. After all, I’ve had emotional explosions as an adult that felt overwhelming even with the knowledge of how they were triggered and how emotional energy works. He seemed caught in the throes of an energy bigger than him and he had no tools to deal with it – other than to rely on me.
I continued to sit by him, breathing deeply, until I noticed that his energy was not quite as intense as it had been. Even though it felt like eternity, perhaps 5 or 10 minutes had passed. I crawled over to him and scooped him up into my arms. This time he didn’t fight me even though he was still crying loudly.
His emotional energy was still frenzied and hadn’t released fully. His sobs indicated that more energy needed to pass through his body. What to do? I took a clue from him, remembering how he calmed down a bit when he distracted himself by swinging our bathroom door. So I turned on one of his favorite CDs rather loudly (The Napping House, which is a book on CD with musical tracks.) I cranked the volume to match his energy level. As he began listening, Bodhi quieted some more. His head dropped to my shoulder. I held him tightly as I began dancing around the room.
My movements matched the force of his sobs. I moved quickly, rocking him with my arms enveloping him. As his eyes began to droop, I turned the volume down slightly and slowed my motion down as well. When he whimpered or moaned, I joined in, humming soothingly in his ear. My intent was to move all the energy out of his body through the movement and the sound.
Eventually Bodhi fell asleep even though he was still hiccup sobbing. I gently eased myself down onto our bed. As he lay on my chest, I cradled him close, patting and rubbing his back. His energy was winding down. I focused on breathing deeply and feeling my heart connect to his. He sighed.
He cuddled in closer. As I snuggled back, I remembered all the days of him sleeping on my chest as an infant. My heart swelled with love and appreciation. With the wildness gone, he was no longer pushing me away. Instead I could feel him relaxing into the comfort and security of knowing that I loved, accepted, and held him through his tantrum. I could feel his desire to sink, heal, and rejuvenate in the safe space that I had created. I melted into my little cub as he surrendered to me.
When I felt the last big shuddery sigh pass through him, I rolled him off my chest and snuck downstairs. I managed to eat a little lunch and check an email or two off my list before I heard his wail. I climbed back upstairs to find him sitting up in bed, eyes squeezed shut, tears streaming down his cheeks.
I gathered him up into my arms once more. After a few more squirms, I was able to rock and rub him back to sleep. Then, thoroughly enjoying the feeling of closeness between us, I drifted off too. And both of us let out a huge sigh of relief.
While there is no formula for navigating a toddler’s tantrum, here is what I found to be helpful:
- Acknowledge what you are feeling. Breathe. Do your best to let this feeling pass through you. (If you are in public, do your best to let go of any horror you may feel. Ignore the stares and focus on yourself and your child.)
- Detach from whatever else you might hope to accomplish.
- Create a safe space for them. Make sure they can’t harm themselves or others, or lastly objects. Refrain from trying to hold or contain your child when the initial wave of energy hits.
- Notice your thoughts or judgments. Thank them for revealing themselves and let them pass on by.
- Sit on the ground near your toddler. Connect to a calm, grounded energy by breathing deeply. Your energy and presence will set the tone.
- When you notice the intensity of their energy lessen, try picking your child up. (If they protest strongly, put them back down and try again in a few minutes.)
- If possible, turn on soothing music or a favorite story on CD. Have the volume match the intensity of their sobs, gradually turning it down as they do.
- Dance, rock, sway, pat, their backs. Move with them and this will help move the energy through them. Slow down your movements as their energy calms. Another trick: let them bang on pillows or drums.
- Keep breathing deeply! Model connecting to your breath. Visualize a calm connection between your heart and theirs.
- After the tantrum has passed, review possible causes as a way of helping prevent tantrums in the future (not as a way to judge yourself!)
Parenting mindfully and consciously through a toddler tantrum is quite a wild ride. In fact parenting a child of any age that is going through big emotion can be challenging. (These suggestions can be helpful for older children as well.) Yet with some awareness and grace, we’ll all make it through the squalls. And maybe, we’ll even come out the other side with more understanding, compassion, and closeness.
As always, please report in!
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