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Mindful Parenting: Weaning – on Your Timeline or Your Child’s?

By Meghan McChesney Gilroy

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

Q: We have been trying to work with Zoe* to sleep through the night and ween a bit, but it has been challenging, especially with going on vacation for a week. She is so attached to me and I want to do this as gently as possible. I don´t want to validate her fears, but when I say no she is SO upset…any thoughts? I have fleeting moments of “training” her to sleep that are quickly thrown out because of her being upset and my own discomfort with the method, but I am tired and we are ready for her to sleep and to be in her own bed. Ugh, a lot to do.   

I just weaned Bodhi and wrestled with some of the same feelings myself. I loved nursing Bo and felt very committed to the health and emotional benefits – which is why we nursed until he was over 2 years old. But as he neared 2, I noticed that I was ready to have my body “back.” And yet I wanted to honor his timeline for naturally weaning himself. Neither one of us was completely ready to give our time together up. We particularly loved to nurse him in the morning which meant that I had some time to slowly wake up as I’m not a get-up-and-go type of person. We would snuggle under the covers and drift in and out of a semi-sleepy state, which seemed to help both of us transition into our day. Once Bodhi is up – he’s running.

Despite the benefits of nursing, as Bodhi’s second birthday drew near, I could no longer ignore what I was feeling. I was becoming more and more agitated when we were nursing. He started doing the “Nursing Olympics” (as Jamie dubbed his maneuvers) – wanting to nurse sideways, upside down, standing on one leg, etc. It really wasn’t comfortable for me.  I tried encouraging him to lie down which usually didn’t work. If I wanted to stop or get out of bed, he pawed at me more and become distraught. I didn’t want to be sharing my aggravated energy with him, and yet my body was truly not comfortable with the Olympics. Nursing this way was no fun!

To top it all off, Bodhi was still waking up at 5:30 each day to nurse, then returning to sleep for another hour or so. I was really ready for full night of sleep. If he was weaned, I had a hunch that we’d all start sleeping through the entire night and be more rested. I felt conflicted about weaning him, but eventually I realized that the bonded, snuggly feeling that we used to feel when nursing him was gone. With it, my desire to nurse was weaning. We were both becoming frustrated with each other.

I knew that in order to wean him, I’d have to change our routine. During this time (over a few months), I tried lots of weaning methods – asking my husband to get up and soothe Bodhi during the super early mornings, distracting Bo with books or other food, nursing for progressively shorter times, nursing sitting up in a chair. All of this helped to some extent, and yet I didn’t see an end in sight.  

I kept complaining about my frustrations over weaning to Jamie – and asking him to help out more. Even though Jamie needs to be up and out to work quite early in the morning, I wanted him to get up with Bodhi and take him downstairs on a daily basis. I justified my argument – on the weekends, Jamie often takes Bodhi off for some boy time (without nursing) while I get to blissfully sleep in. This plan would work!

Jamie wisely refused. He pointed out that I had to be the one who was ready to give up nursing. Not just ready to give it up because I was frustrated, but ready to truly shift my relationship with Bodhi. On an energetic level, I need to let go of my mixed feelings on no longer nursing my little one. Jamie also felt that I needed to be the one to communicate with Bodhi when I was ready to be done. Jamie pointed out that I was asking Papa to come in between Bodhi and his Mama. Not only did this usually result in louder wailing, but it also put a strain on his relationship with Bo.  

Reluctantly, I acknowledged that Jamie was right. (J, did you catch that? YOU WERE RIGHT.) And it took me several more weeks to let go of my ambivalence. During this letting go period, I really enjoyed the times we were able to nurse peacefully knowing that these days were soon coming to an end. I felt sad about Bodhi no longer needing me in this way. I had to acknowledge that he was growing up and becoming more independent (while of course needing me in so many other ways).

What finally helped me shift to a peaceful place inside, was trusting that Bodhi and my relationship would deepen and grow in new ways once we stopped nursing. I began to see our nursing years as a foundation for a physical and emotional intimacy. Now it was time to expand that base by snuggling without nursing, reading books, sitting quietly in a rocking chair and talking, building a “nest” in his closet where we play with stuffed animals and arrange cozy blankets. All delightful and intimate ways to connect.

So one morning I woke up ready. Instead of bringing Bodhi into bed, we sat in the rocking chair. He asked to nurse and I told him quietly, “No, we are not going to do that right now.” I didn’t make a big show of it and yet there was a quiet firmness within me. Then I began singing to him. We read a book. He fussed a bit but instead of nursing, we moved to another room.

For the next few weeks, I was often tempted to nurse him again when he asked or started crying. Each time I would acknowledge that he wanted to nurse, that it must be hard to let go of nursing, that we weren’t nursing now. I made sure to replace our nursing time with extra attention and snuggling – I saw it would be easy to just skip the 20-30 minutes of easy waking up and jump into doing. I reminded myself that my connection to him was still very important to me and I became more creative on fostering that close, snuggly feeling that we both loved when nursing. We all started sleeping through the night and it is lovely to wake up feeling more rested.

It’s been a few months now of not nursing and Bodhi still asks to nurse on a regular basis. Of course this makes me wonder if we weaned too soon and yet I know it was the right time for both of us. On occasion, we do still nurse. Sometimes it might just be for a minute and then I tell him that it’s enough, he had some time with the “nurses.” Or once while travelling he woke up after a nap really agitated. I sensed his whole being craved the comfort and closeness of nursing given that we were in a new environment which had shifted his routine. So we nursed for quite some time. Now, when we do choose to nurse it feels like special time together again and he nurses in a calmer, more snuggly way.

For me, it was time to wean. While I considered both my feelings and Bodhi’s before making my choice, I was the one who initiated the process. And yet I have another friend who was tired of waking up several times throughout the night, but she wanted her daughter to be the one who decided when to quit. One night, her daughter didn’t ask to nurse, finally slept through the night, and never has asked since.

What I’ve discovered from this process is that there’s no right or wrong way to stop nursing. It can be on the mother’s timeline or the child’s and there are many methods for helping the process go more smoothly. What I do know is that if you (as the mother) are ready to wean, then it helps to release any emotion or energy around no longer nursing. Once you are clear energetically and committed to your course of action, your child will sense this shift in you. Your certainty (or as much of it that you can muster) will make it easier for both of you to let go of nursing and deepen your relationship in other ways.

Looking back, I see that I wanted someone outside of myself (my husband or son) to remedy a situation that was bringing me frustration. Yet once I took responsibility for how I was truly feeling – ready to stop nursing and longing to continue the connection with my beloved Bodhi – I found ways to do so. I know that when you are ready, you will too. And if you are not quite ready yet, then do your best to enjoy this precious time with your child. Nursing will be over before you know it!

*Not her real name.

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