Archive for June, 2009
Mindful Parenting: Reflections on Po Bronson’s “How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The inverse power of praise”
By Meghan McChesney Gilroy
- Wednesday, June 17th, 2009
I love articles that make me re-think how I am parenting. “How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The inverse power of praise” by Po Bronson in New York Magazine is one of them. (Thanks Kira for passing it along!)
In it, Po shares how we can most effectively praise our children. Surprisingly, the way most of us tend to cheer our children on may not result in the self-esteem boost or encouragement we intend. In fact – it might just do the opposite: cause our kids to put in less effort with less results.
I highly recommend reading his article for the details… The short version is: sincere, specific praise on a child’s effort has been proven to be more successful on praising a child on their smarts. In other words, “Good job! I’m proud of you.” and “Aren’t you smart!” just don’t cut it.
I know for myself that when I chirp out “Good job!” without really paying attention to what Bodhi is doing or showing me, it certainly feels hollow. Since he’s a perceptive critter, I know on some level this must also be true for him. So when I take the time to remember what I want to foster in and with Bodhi – connection, creativity, curiosity, inner confidence – and match my praise to my intent, it feels genuine and I see him light up more than when I dole out mindless kudos.
As I was contemplating how to help myself give up my automatic way of praising him (the comments that fall into the “Great job, good work!” category) and move toward the sincere, specific praise on effort category, I remembered the guidelines we used to use when I taught at Inner-City Arts (an amazing non-profit art center for inner-city children in LA).
Instead of telling a child, “I like your drawing,” we would both ask questions and point out what we specifically noticed without giving an opinion. For example, I might say, “I’ve never seen that color before. It looks like you invented a brand new color. What name could you make up for that?” or “I noticed that you used several different shapes in your picture – a triangle, circle, and rectangle.” Or simply, “Tell me more about what you made.”
When we shift to truly paying attention and engaging a child in this way, we are showing that we care. We are inherently praising them without telling them that their work is “good” or “bad.” We are allowing them to determine what works for them creatively, allowing their self-expression to be sufficient in itself, instead of in relation to what the outside world thinks. We’re modeling curiosity. We are letting them develop their ability to communicate about their process. And we were matching our mission at the Center – encouraging connection, creativity, curiosity, inner confidence (as well as language development and a host of others) – that mirror my wishes for Bodhi.
So I’ve developed these guidelines to help me reduce my dependency on the easy praise and increase my usage of the more meaningful ones:
1. Remember my intent: mindfully parenting to foster connection, creativity, curiosity, inner confidence
2. When I catch myself saying, “Good job!” add on a more specific comment at the end.
3. When I notice another adult giving non-specific praise, asking myself to (silently!) come up with a way I could sincerely and specifically praise the child’s effort. (This is a way of practicing for myself – not a way to judge other people.)
4. Stockpiling a few phrases to get me started that focus on effort such as, “I see you really concentrating. That took some (effort/patience/creativity) and you stuck with it. You really listened carefully. I appreciate that you keep trying.”
5. Paying attention and slowing down. If Bodhi calls out “Look at me!” on the playground, I really do look.
6. Using the phase “I am noticing…” or “I see…” followed by a neutral description of his actions. For example, “I see you balancing by carefully placing one foot in front of another.”
7. Asking more questions to Bo: “What are you feeling? Thinking? Noticing?”
At the end of the article, Po writes about his need to praise his child. As anxious modern parents, we want to do the best for our children and often don’t know how. He writes that he has shifted the way he praises his son and yet, “I recognized that praising him with the universal “You’re great-I’m proud of you” was a way I expressed unconditional love… [W]e want them to hear, We are in your corner, we are here for you, we believe in you.”
Perhaps the answer to the dilemma lies in us putting our unconditional love into words: remembering to tell our children that we are in their corner and we are here for them when they’ve done nothing at all or at random moments – just because we do and we can. Then we can also work on shifting our praise to be more conscious, and more effective, and create good vibes for both ourselves and our kids.
Test it out and let me know what you think!
Kung Fu Dreams
By Jamie Gilroy
- Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
“Because a man can see, he does not look.” – Master Po.
I’m sure most of you read about the passing of David Carradine recently. The details and speculation around his death were more and more revealing as the case went on, starting with suicide, and ending up as an auto erotic act gone awry. If you type his name on Google you will learn everything you never wanted to know about the man.
For me I will always remember him as Kwai Chang Caine the humble yet capable Shaolin monk. He was a Buddhist monk who kills the emperor’s nephew (for killing his beloved master – I know that’s being a bad Buddhist) and flees to America and the wild, Wild West. For the three years that show aired (1972-75) I was glued to the TV. I was 14 years old and idolized this character. He was gentle and soft spoken, yet always sublimely aware of his surroundings. When pushed he could diffuse a situation with a minimum of violence, and typically with his bare hands. There was no gratuitous bloodshed and over blown firepower like ninety-nine percent of what’s on TV now. Watching the show you always knew he would run into some heavies and there was going to be a showdown. Yet the way in which he used his skills had no ego attached to it. He always helped those less capable, and usually the underprivileged. He was also very cool. He grew his hair long. He played the flute and carried very little in the way of possessions. He wandered the western landscape in bare feet. He practiced his art form daily.
In fact I was hooked by the portrayal of this solitary monk wandering from place to place sowing peace and harmony. For me the desire to study martial arts and eastern philosophy had its origins in this TV character. How cool would it be to disarm a bad guy and be the quiet hero? What freedom to be able to go wherever you are called to go with no attachments. To meditate, to do tai chi by a flowing river, to never stay long enough in one place to put down roots.
Six years later I found myself doing my best to live this dream. I applied to a school called the Blue Poppy Chi Kung Association who according to their brochure “was dedicated to training Knights without armor”. Sign me up! So my buddy Val & I left NYC and headed to Boulder for the summer of 1980. I was 22 years old.
For an entire summer I ate, slept, and breathed the Caine dream. I walked around Boulder in bare feet, I practiced Chi Kung daily, bathed in Boulder Creek, and spared with Val on the lawn of the public library. I carried a wooden samurai sword on my back wherever I went and Val carried a wooden staff. We went up to the mountains and tripped on mushrooms. We danced and drank until the bars closed and then went to the all night diner and ate breakfast. We barely slept. We studied Chinese medicine with the founder of the school. We practiced kung fu by a flowing river, the occasional homeless guy wandering through our class and no one flinching as he weaved through the group. We stood for an hour in horse stance with our master, no one moving a muscle even to swat at a pesky fly or the master would yell at us. I know I tried my hardest to integrate this dream that was born years earlier watching a TV character that I fully believed was real. The truth is I was human too.
I left Boulder that summer to pursue a woman I had been living with in NYC who now was living with some older (28!) guy in Portland Oregon. There was some tension as word filtered back to my girlfriend that Val & I were hitchhiking to Portland for a showdown with her new boyfriend. In fact it was all hype. I think a bunch of pool furniture ended up in their swimming pool in a drunken act of defiance. I’m pretty sure Val had to fish it out by himself as I had driven off into the night to sleep off my hangover. Anyway.
My point is we are all human and the images of perfection don’t always synch up to what we live in the course of our daily life, or the choices we make in the moment.
David Carradine was not the TV character he played in 1972. In my mind he would have led a quiet contemplative life finally settling down and meeting a good companion. Maybe have a few kids. Teach them his art. Be the old wise man. Then fade away peacefully. Yet his last act was laid bare for the entire world to see.
Yes there is a tinge of sadness that a hero is exposed as real with real foibles. And yes there is another tinge of sadness that that young man that moved to Colorado with hopes of being the next Kwai Chang Caine put away his sword and put on shoes and found a job and pursued some kind of security.
There is no bad in that of course. I just wonder if the dream of who we might be and reality of who we are will ever merge. Is it possible? Can the fantastic and heroic image and the everyday ordinary image blend together so as to lose the distinctions? Can we live the way we know how in our heart of hearts and satisfy both divisions?
Is there a way to live nobly? And to die nobly?
Master Po: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Young Caine: I hear the water, I hear the birds.
Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
Caine: No.
Po: Do you hear the grasshopper that is at your feet?
Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?
See you out there on the road.
Peace.
J
Unconditional Love
By Jamie Gilroy
- Saturday, June 6th, 2009
I heard this phrase while sitting at a table at an outdoor café in Portsmouth NH a couple of days ago. I was people watching and relaxing after a few hours on the Triumph, and not really focusing on what was being said around me. It was a warm sunny day and lots of people were gathered in the main square. Out of all the various garbled conversations that were going on I heard this phrase “unconditional love” loud and clear. I have no idea in what context it was being used but I heard it as if the person who said it was sitting at my table. And that’s all I heard.
This actually happens a lot to me. I will hear a word in a conversation nearby or in a song while driving and listening to the radio. The way I see it the Universe, aka LIFE is dropping a hint, or maybe a simple reminder.
So what do these two big words mean? For me they represent the gateway to Freedom. A door to Happiness. Not necessarily freedom without responsibility. Or not necessarily giddy happiness. But in essence real emancipation from our beliefs and stories that keep us small and limited. The happiness is contentment really; being fine with “what is” – no matter what it is. Unconditional. No conditions to our direct experience of Love.
Love. That one all inclusive word that can heal, inspire, make whole, and transcend the petty.
More often than not I forget that I once signed up to live my life in unconditional love. And yet even in forgetting I remember even more how much I love this life one hundred percent. The sweetness, the challenges, the yearning, and the acceptance. I may not like what shows up sometimes. I may actually go into resistance. But just under the surface of those experiences there is deeper place I can go to. A feeling that is so powerful. A way of living that is so expansive.
What if?
What if our hearts pumped nothing but Unconditional Love?
What would that be like? What world this world be like?
Pretty cool I bet. Even cooler than it already is…
Later gator-
J
The Four Agreements Group in Charlottesville VA
By Ellen Luksch
- Friday, June 5th, 2009
The Four Agreements Inspired Group in Charlottesville, VA
Dream of the Heart Weekly Wisdom Groups
With Ellen Luksch, Rosemary Quade & Ana Mariza McGroarty
Every Tuesday at 5:30pm & 7:00pm, By Donation
Charlottesville Healing Arts Center, 355 W. Rio Road in Charlottesville, VA
Two groups are currently available at 5:30 pm and at 7:00 pm. The wisdom groups assist individuals in bringing the “Four Agreements of Don Miguel Ruiz” more fully into their daily lives. Don Miguel shared a transformational vision supported by practical tools for building awareness. The philosophy offers powerful guidance to move ourselves beyond the limiting beliefs and patterns that direct our lives so that we can reclaim our authentic nature and experience the full potential of our ability to dream our lives through our hearts with love, joy and abundance. New members are always welcome. Reading the books is not required but will greatly enhance your experience.
Please RSVP to: Ana Mariza McGroarty at 434-284-1733 or marizananda@hotmail.com.
For more information, please visit http://dreamoftheheart.com/
A Spiritual Conspiracy
By Meghan McChesney Gilroy
- Friday, June 5th, 2009
Are you a part of the spiritual conspiracy? Do you feel an inner revolution taking place? Have you been working with the Central Spiritual Intelligence agency?
We are now recruiting… Perhaps you will join us – or already have.
A SPIRITUAL CONSPIRACY
On the surface of the world right now there is
war and violence and things seem dark.
But calmly and quietly, at the same time,
something else is happening underground
An inner revolution is taking place
and certain individuals are being called to a higher light.
It is a silent revolution.
From the inside out. From the ground up.
This is a Global operation.
A Spiritual Conspiracy.
There are sleeper cells in every nation on the planet.
You wont see us on the T.V.
You wont read about us in the newspaper
You wont hear about us on the radio
We dont seek any glory
We dont wear any uniform
We come in all shapes and sizes, colors and styles
Most of us work anonymously
We are quietly working behind the scenes
in every country and culture of the world
Cities big and small, mountains and valleys,
in farms and villages, tribes and remote islands
You could pass by one of us on the street
and not even notice
We go undercover
We remain behind the scenes
It is of no concern to us who takes the final credit
But simply that the work gets done
Occasionally we spot each other in the street
We give a quiet nod and continue on our way
During the day many of us pretend we have normal jobs
But behind the false storefront at night
is where the real work takes a place
Some call us the Conscious Army
We are slowly creating a new world
with the power of our minds and hearts
We follow, with passion and joy
Our orders come from from the Central Spiritual Intelligence
We are dropping soft, secret love bombs when no one is looking
Poems ~ Hugs ~ Music ~ Photography ~ Movies ~ Kind words ~
Smiles ~ Meditation and prayer ~ Dance ~ Social activism ~ Websites
Blogs ~ Random acts of kindness…
We each express ourselves in our own unique ways
with our own unique gifts and talents
Be the change you want to see in the world
That is the motto that fills our hearts
We know it is the only way real transformation takes place
We know that quietly and humbly we have the
power of all the oceans combined
Our work is slow and meticulous
Like the formation of mountains
It is not even visible at first glance
And yet with it entire tectonic plates
shall be moved in the centuries to come
Love is the new religion of the 21st century
You dont have to be a highly educated person
Or have any exceptional knowledge to understand it
It comes from the intelligence of the heart
Embedded in the timeless evolutionary pulse of all human beings
Be the change you want to see in the world
Nobody else can do it for you
We are now recruiting
Perhaps you will join us
Or already have.
All are welcome
The door is open
Poem by an Unknown Author
Many thanks to the amazing life coach, Allison Arneill of www.blissbound.com, for clueing us in on the spiritual conspiracy!
Mindful Parenting: Discovering the Consequences of Your Actions
By Meghan McChesney Gilroy
- Thursday, June 4th, 2009
Bodhi and I learned an important life lesson today: eating raw bread dough makes your belly feel not so good. The corollary lessons? Eating raw dough can cause you to throw up, make a mess in the car, and prevent you from playing outside because you now need to change your clothes. Oh, and it means the adult gets to spend an hour cleaning it all up. (But boy, my car – and his carseat – are now clean!)
And if you’d like a true confession? Secretly I’d been hoping this would happen.
Every Thursday, Bodhi and I go to school (a Mommy-and-Me kind of class) and one of the activities is making bread. We sing as sweet little song as we do so, “We mix the dough, we knead the dough, we let it rise…” While all the other children (girls!), mix and knead and roll, Bodhi eats the raw dough.
I have tried many tactics to dissuade him of this habit: I’ve focused more energy on the times he does shape the dough, we’ve talked about how yummy the bread is once it’s baked, I’ve taken away the raw dough, I’ve ignored the raw dough eating, the teacher has tried distracting him with more flour. And of course I have pointed out that too much raw dough isn’t good for your belly.
As you can guess, Bodhi eats the raw dough. And for most of the year, there was no problem with the belly/no other real consequences. When I reported Bodhi’s raw dough eating habits to Jamie, he not-so-helpfully grinned and pointed out that it must be genetic. Apparently he has a love of eating raw dough that stems from his days as a baker. Hmmm. Never knew that about you honey. Thankfully Bodhi has never seen him do so, so at least that eliminates the imitation rationalization.
Until this Thursday, I had decided to let it go. This wasn’t a battle worth picking. And I reminded myself every time my jaw clenched as Bodhi popped another piece into his mouth, that I am a big believer in allowing children to discover the results of their choices themselves (within the strong boundaries of what is safe and age-appropriate). Jamie and I like to say (as one of our tenets of Mindful Parenting ), let children make their own choices, even if it’s not the choice we would make, until it is evident that they cannot make a good choice for themselves.
All of this set in motion the mess of the day – and the learning experience. As you probably know, most of us learn best from experience. We can be told the consequences of our actions and have some intellectual understanding (this is called knowledge) or we can experience the consequences of our actions and then absorb the learning on a physical, emotional, spiritual and/or mental level (this is called wisdom). Bodhi now has the building blocks needed to make the connection between eating too much raw dough and not feeling so good. We’ve talked this through and re-enacted what happens with his puppets to reinforce the wisdom.
Of course I never wanted Bodhi to have to experience vomiting to gather wisdom. But I do think giving him the freedom to discover how his body responds to his choices supports his unique path of self-discovery in life and will ultimately help him care for himself better than me telling him what does or doesn’t work according to my unique experiences.
In addition to Bodhi’s life lesson, I’ve gained the wisdom to be a more conscious parent. I see that this is a situation where I will need to step in to make a better choice for him if Bodhi doesn’t modify his actions. I “suffered” the natural consequences (having to clean it up!) of allowing him to eat the dough as well. Now let’s see what happens at school next Thursday.
Mindful Parenting in 2009: Tips & Support
By Grace Sardonicus
- Thursday, June 4th, 2009
The following is an excerpt from Grace’s book, “Mother, How Can This Be?” Conscious Parenting for the New Age. We can all use parenting tips & support. Whether you are a single parent, a mother-to be or with grown children, we all wish we had a parenting manual to help figure out how to be a good parent. What if you were able to hear what your baby was screaming about? And you could actually give your child what they need. What a relief it would be. Read on to find out more…
3 Months Old: Getting to Know You & Me
Lila stretches, squeals and squawks, communicating her desires. So much has changed since the first weeks of life. And so fast. Her world is like nothing she knew in the womb. Lila learns to respond based on what she receives. If she feels pleasure and gets pleasant responses, she wants more and will act accordingly. Through her new discoveries of possessing a body separate from Ganga, she still maintains a core of light and love. This place is her Lila-ness. Her essence of mischievous play that will forever remain, no matter what challenges lie ahead. As she grows, a personality will emerge which is distinct from her essence. When she ignores her essence, favoring her personality, a great sense of loss will overcome her which she may bury deep inside.
Lila: “Mother, how can this be? I just want you to love me as I am. I am screaming so loud for you to pick me up. Why don’t you come to me? Is there something wrong with me? Do you love me? Did I do something wrong? I will try to be quieter so you don’t get so upset with me. I will try to do what you want, though I am not sure what that is.”
Ganga: “Lila, you have my attention. I wish I could read your mind so I could give you what you need before you scream. We are getting to know each other. I love you and want to comfort you. I want you to be happy and healthy. You are so precious. I may not be there right away. I may be in the middle of a phone call or something else. This does not mean I have left or do not love you. Please be patient. I will do my best to care for you.
You will learn so many things like how to rollover, crawl, feed yourself, find words rolling off your tongue, pulling yourself up to stand and walk after falling and bumping into hard tables and floors. You will also learn different ways to communicate, touch. And the many tastes and sounds.
The radiant, effervescent light that you were born with begins to flicker as your survival needs take precedence. Your inner light and love will always be within you. You may begin to believe that just being yourself is not enough. You will learn quickly what behaviors are necessary to get your needs met, sometimes relinquishing your true nature. It is a confusing world. But know that your inner light essence is who you are. The behaviors you will learn in order to get your needs met are not who you are. I am here for you, Lila. You are the love of my life!”
Can you relate to these struggles within yourself and relationships? Do you feel your ‘lila-ness’, that place of play and natural joy with-in?
Grace’s Book - Mother, How can this Be? is scheduled for publication in March 2010.
Grace will be offering a parenting workshop this summer, Mother, How Can This Be? Parenting with grace, compassion & inspiration. Click to find out more.
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