Conscious Relationships & Mindful Parenting: When The Mommy Well Runs Dry
By Meghan McChesney Gilroy
- Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
“This morning the Mommy Well ran dry,” my friend (let’s call her) Rebecca confided in me. “When Harry wouldn’t get ready for school this morning, I lost it. I started crying. I had just run out of patience and kindness. On top of everything else that’s been going on, I had a project due in a few hours. And then of course I felt guilty.”
Most of us don’t have a Harry – who’s been dealing with an ongoing illness that has yet to be diagnosed – but we certainly have our own set of challenges. And how often, as parents, have you felt the same?
Rebecca and I were finishing cleaning up from dinner. Our kids – ranging from 2 to 10 – were outside with our husbands. This meant there were 4 bikes careening around the corners of their house, one hyper dog joining in on the fun, and my toddler attempting to drive a toy tractor up a berm that also served as jump for the mountain bikes. Get the picture?
We drifted outside. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jamie (my husband) wheel around the side of the house, slide on the wet sidewalk and skid across the ground. He jumped up, checked to make sure he hadn’t torn his favorite shirt, and after assuring everyone he was fine, began chasing Bodhi.
Looking back, I see I made an instantaneous assessment of the situation just as I do when Bodhi falls down: if he gets up and runs off he’s fine. If he comes over to me crying, then we kiss the booboo and assess if anything else needs to be attended to.
A few minutes later, Jamie showed me (and Bodhi and everyone else) that his hand was bleeding. He and Rebecca went inside to get a band-aid and clean him up. Again, I thought little of this as Jamie has fallen off his bike thousands of times, including once off a 30′ cliff. (Yes, for real, check out his blog… obviously and thankfully he survived!) This was pretty minor in the scheme of things.
Yet when we were preparing to leave, I made a comment to the effect of, “My philosophy is if you take on the risk of mountain biking (which Jamie does regularly) and hurt yourself, you’ll get no sympathy from me.” Well the hooting began. Rebecca said, ‘Uh-oh! Someone’s Mommy Well is dry!”
As tempting as it is, I won’t try to justify my rationale on the mountain biking policy. Yet it did make me question, “Had I been kind, caring, and compassionate to Jamie when he hurt himself?” Underneath it all, I know I “read” the situation right. Jamie was just fine. But I could feel the lack of concern within myself toward Jamie go beyond knowing he was fine. I just didn’t have it in me to extend myself more than I had to him. And that didn’t feel like the loving and conscious relationship that I had signed up for.
Luckily we had scheduled a 24-hour Get out of Town/Child Free pass for me. I drove our MiniCooper up to Portsmouth, NH. Portsmouth is a very cool and artsy town, with a great downtown to stroll its shops, sit in the main square, or grab a bite to eat. I’d like to say that’s what I did. The truth was, I checked into a Courtyard (thanks Rose!) and spent the next 24 hours sleeping, reading a GREAT book (The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane by our friend Katherine Howe), soaking in the hot tub, ordering room service, and watching a chic flick. It was heavenly and just what I needed.
When I came home on Sunday, Bodhi came flying up to hug me. I caught a glimpse of Jamie disappearing inside as soon as he knew I was with Bodhi. Once I caught up with him, I could feel his energy. As much as he loved spending time with Bo, he seemed a little battered. His energy was drawn inward. He was focused on taking care of his to do list instead of interacting with me.
I saw myself in him and realized that this is often how I am when he comes home. Yet with my Mommy Well replenished, I was able to extend myself to him. We quickly reconnected and were back to our more loving and mindful selves.
Seeing Jamie’s state of being gave me more compassion for myself (and everyone else who has children and full life.) And it served as another validation on how important it is to keep the Mommy Well full – not just for myself, but for my relationship with my husband, my child, and everyone around me.
So how do you know when your Mommy Well has run dry?
What do you do to keep your Mommy Well from dropping to dangerously low levels?
And how do you replenish?
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