Mindful Parenting: Long-term goals vs. Daily Interactions with Children – the Case of Chamomile Tea & Oatmeal
By Meghan McChesney Gilroy
- Friday, May 29th, 2009
Do oatmeal and chamomile tea go together? A seemingly simple question…with some complexity when it comes to mealtime with a toddler and indicative of a challenge that all of us parents have faced. Let me explain.
When it comes to the big-picture, Jamie and I have a few long-term “goals” for our children, for Bodhi (age 2): to be creative, curious about the world, authentic, caring and considerate towards others. We’d like him to be able to think and speak for himself and express his emotions freely (just to name a few). Our desire is the same for our teenager Nick (age 18). Perhaps these are qualities that many of us would like for our children, or even ourselves.
Yet when it comes to fostering these overall qualities during the moment to moment interactions that we have with our children (or ourselves), it can be a challenge to make them “match.” How can we hold our intent regarding the big picture in the midst of making decisions with a toddler or young child on dressing, sleeping, eating, or playing with others? Or on the amount of freedom and responsibility a teenager has?
Case in point: Yesterday I made Bodhi oatmeal – and chamomile tea. The oatmeal went into a bowl and the tea into a cup. I then poured some almond milk onto the oatmeal to cool it down, and also to add some flavor. I then handed Bodhi the container of cinnamon, which he would happily pour on everything if given the chance.
Bodhi plowed into his oatmeal. Then he picked up his tea and began to dump it into the oatmeal. Jamie asked him not to do this. We’ve been discouraging Bodhi from dumping his drinks out (onto tables, the floor, the bowl filled with goldfish crackers). Bodhi proceeded to dump the tea into the bowl and dig in. Jamie took the bowl away, Bodhi howled in protest. Suddenly the kitchen was filled with tension. Maybe you’ve encountered similar situations??
As I stepped back to assess my reaction, I had to question, is it a problem to pour chamomile tea into oatmeal? After all, Bodhi had just witnessed me pouring almond milk into his oatmeal. Liquid onto solid food. The oatmeal and the tea end up in the same place – his belly. And the two were presented as food that you eat together – cereal and tea, yummy. Bodhi was fully prepared to eat his concoction. And in the larger scheme of things, it shows creativity and curiosity (what do these two foods taste like together?) two of the qualities we’d like to foster.
So the real “problem” is our (the adults’) beliefs: chamomile tea and oatmeal are fine to eat at the same time out of separate dishes, but not mixed in one bowl. Isn’t our conditioning of how the world is supposed to be amazing? It affects so much – right down to our breakfast choices.
And perhaps the challenge goes a little deeper. When a teen or a toddler defies what we say, we can become irritated, feel powerless, or want to make them “face the consequence,” i.e. be punished. From my experience, this is an automatic reaction, ingrained in us from when we were children. Our desire to control our children often prevents us from being able to see the bigger picture and make our intent and our actions “match.” In order to parent with awareness, we need the ability to step back and look at our choices and the reasoning behind them from a fresh perspective.
Being mindful of how we parent certainly isn’t the easy route. Mindful Parenting involves questioning what we are doing, thinking, saying and feeling – and questioning why we make the choices we do. Conscious parenting asks us to be more creative, have more patience, and be more considerate of our children’s needs and points of view. In short, it asks us to be and do what we are wanting and asking of our children.
So after comforting Bodhi and giving him some more oatmeal, he asked for some pepper on his oatmeal. And I thought, “Why not?” Given his propensity to pour spices on food that doesn’t “match” in my mind (cinnamon on pasta?), he might just delightfully surprise me one day when he cooks us an inventive and delicious meal. Until then, I’ll be navigating how to encourage his creativity while maintaining a modicum of sanity and order in our world.
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