Silencing The Demon of Impatience
By Grace Sardonicus
- Monday, April 6th, 2009
‘I want it now! Why is it taking so long? When am I going to finally make it? Are we there yet?’ How many times have you thought or heard these words? Born from the need to have control, these rants arise from fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being out of control. Fear of failure. At the top and bottom of the list is the perennial fear of dying.
The demise of how fear takes hold and turns us to the dark side has unlimited variations. From the summer of 2007 into the spring of 2009 I have been trying to sell my house. My reasons are typical: affordability, energy required for upkeep, readiness to move on from the town, massive home, divorce, etc. Once Jasper, my fifth child starts college this fall, only Tao, my 13th year old darling will live with me. So I have a strong desire. I come up with a plan of attack with timeline and all. I do all the things to make it happen and then some. I know what I want and I go after it with a vengeance. As time passes my feelings of anxiety & urgency grow. I witness the what-ifs. And I question what motivated me in the first place. The dissatisfaction, feeling stuck, overwhelmed, unhappy, out of control and limitations. I am being swallowed alive. Yes, death: the last and first fear on the list. The insidious fear that runs the whole show.
The whole string of thoughts always begins with a desire. I want this now! I have a desire and it can’t wait. This is the way it should be because I said so. This is the beginning of the end– EXPECTATIONS! I think it should be a certain way. If it isn’t, something is wrong. And I am going to make it be that way. I am sure God is having a great laugh! Just because I think something should happen in an allotted amount of time does not mean it will. The trouble is I got attached and expected it to happen. On top of that, I had what-ifs attached to my plan creating negative emotions and urgency.
Well, I have a choice to make. Do I stay miserable, desperate, dissatisfied and in fear? Or do I open my heart to possibilities, the magic of the unknown and faith in life? I go inside and listen. I like the latter choice. But how do I get there?
First, like every 12-step program, you have to recognize and admit the issue. I am in fear. I doubt life. I don’t trust that I am being taken care of or that I am capable of closing the deal.
Then I go a bit deeper. I have the doubts because somewhere along the line I believed I was not supported. I was abandoned. I thought I must have done something wrong and was being punished. I didn’t deserve to have my desires met. Yet my desires didn’t stop. I had to figure out a strategy for how I could get what I want even though I didn’t really deserve it. The only way I was able to succeed was with shear force. I had to breakthrough and get aggressive. The problem is a part of me still didn’t believe I deserved it. Now I see how my constant flurry of action is based on a need to prove I am good, deserving and capable and can support myself. Until the belief that I don’t deserve and have done something wrong is extinguished, the need to fight through sheer force will continue. And I will not be trusting life. And I will suffer the consequences.
Okay! So I get the story. Plus I see why I have anxious aggressive feelings when something doesn’t happen when I want it to. I am in fear that it won’t because somewhere inside I don’t believe I deserve it. I still believe I have done something wrong. So I look inside again.
Did I really do something wrong? Am I really bad? Does anything come up? No, not really. I have already done years of work on understanding the basis of having or not having boundaries, being promiscuous, manipulative and lying. The success of forgiving others and myself has predominated my consciousness. The biggest thing I have done lately is believed that I am wrong or bad and not deserving out of an ingrained habit that’s probably in my cellular memory. The other thing I have done is getting caught up in dramas, which I know better than to do. And for this, I forgive myself. Yes, I fell down. But more important, I picked myself up. I am so grateful!
Right now most of the planet is in a swirl of fear. It is very challenging to stay clear when the mantras of economic, social and spiritual doom and gloom are so loud. How do we stay clear while being compassionate and present?
I offer another point of view: What if everything is happening exactly as it should? Maybe my mind thinks things should be a certain way but that doesn’t mean that’s it. Wow, what a concept. Maybe not knowing is an intrinsic part of trusting life, surrendering and being open to the ride. No pushing, forcing, just breathe, enjoy and stay open to possibilities! Love life as it is. Trust that all of this is one big opportunity to expand the love in my heart. And truly, I am okay! And so is the house in which I raised my six beautiful children that’s still on the market! It’s all perfect!
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