The Transformation of FRUSTRATION
By Meghan McChesney Gilroy
- Friday, March 7th, 2008
I love being married and being a mother. I know that this is part of my Life’s Purpose, along with being a messenger for this wisdom.
Yet at 1:30am last night, I wasn’t in love with any of these roles and I wasn’t so pleased with Life either. For the past hour, my husband Jamie had been popping in and out of bed to determine what was causing the strange, loud noises coming from next door. It was our neighbor, in her pajamas, dragging who-knows-what through her yard. Then my 10 month old, Bodhi, who has recently been sleeping through the night, started wailing.
I was groggy and unhappy to be jerked awake by all three of the offending parties - husband, neighbor, and baby. As I crawled out of bed and pulled Bodhi into my lap in our rocking chair, I was aware of a sensation racing through my body. I felt FRUSTRATION. The stillness of the night amplified it. Since I knew I’d be rocking for awhile, I placed all my attention on what I was feeling.
With the world now quiet, I was keenly aware of Life passing through me. This omnipresent energy was moving and vibrating - and then thunking against the jumble of thoughts in my mind, causing the FRUSTRATION. I suddenly had an image of a child jubilantly riding his bike, legs pumping, flying down a hill with so much momentum. A playing card vibrated against each spin of the wheel. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
My mind was no different. As I heard each story whiz by - Can’t Jamie just stay in bed? She shouldn’t be out there at this time of night. Bodhi should be sleeping. - I saw that each of these opinions was a belief that crashed into the magnificence of this moment in the night, impeding Life from flowing. My idea of how everything should be was causing me to get lost in the noise inside my head and this resulted in the unpleasant FRUSTRATION inside of my body.
What is frustration? I wondered. It’s having an expectation or judgment about Life not being the way I want it to be. It’s my small “me” believing that I know the right way, the way it should be, instead of accepting the way it is. It’s seeing the world through only my lens, without consideration of others.
I took a deep breath. And another. I asked for acceptance and compassion. I sent loving energy to myself. May my heart be full of peace. Another slow, deep breath.
Was there another way to be in this moment? Swiftly I felt a shift in my point of view. I looked down at Bodhi snuggled in my lap. What has he been experiencing? He’s growing at an astonishing rate - learning to talk, crawl, walk, teethe. Ah, compassion. May his heart be full of peace. My awareness traveled to my husband. What was he experiencing when he got out of bed? A desire to protect his family? A frustration at being awoken as well? Ah… May his heart be full of peace. I continued on to my neighbor. Anyone wandering around in the middle of the night is more disturbed than I. May her heart be full of peace.
The night gently settled around me. Enveloped, I sighed, let go and sunk into the rocking motion of the chair, enjoying the warmth of Bodhi nestled into me. I relaxed not knowing how much longer I will have the opportunity to sit quietly in the darkness with a little bear cub in my arms, my husband slumbering soundly in bed, alone with my thoughts and feelings, receiving another message from Life.
Ah… That’s transformation. That’s peace within on a beautiful night.
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